How to avoid the most common negotiating mistakes

1. Be Yourself: But Be the Best Self You Can Be
To be successful, choose a negotiating style that makes you feel comfortable and reflects who you are. If you aren't authentic, people will see right through it, and you will lose all credibility. Learn to recognize your strengths and weaknesses. Watch how different types of people react to you. This self-awareness will help you play to your strengths and make up for your weaknesses. It will also help you recognize when you lack the skills, style or patience needed in a particular situation so you can bring in someone else to handle all or part of the negotiating.

2. It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Almost Everything Is Negotiable
The biggest mistake women make is not to negotiate. They either accept an offer or turn it down. Often, women simply don't realize that they can question what is being offered and ask for something else. Remember, if you do not ask for what you want, you are unlikely to get it. Women sometimes don't negotiate out of fear that they will damage their relationship with the other person. Never underestimate the power of asking. You may not always get what you ask for, but, if you ask in the right way, you will rarely lose by trying.

3. Negotiate for Yourself as if You Were Negotiating for Someone Else
When it comes to negotiating for themselves, women often feel "that they don't deserve what they are asking for." Because women tend to view things in the context of relationships, they take things personally. One way for you to overcome your reluctance to ask for things on your own behalf is to "take yourself outside yourself: See yourself as negotiating for someone else." Before you begin, give yourself a little pep talk. Sit down and make a list of the reasons why you deserve what you are asking for. If, however, you still cannot do it, take a different approach. For example, bring in someone else to encourage and reassure you that what you are asking for is appropriate.

Five-Minute Negotiating Prep
• List your goals.
• Determine your bottom line.
• Identify the other side's interest.
• Outline your opening offer.
• List three ways your proposal satisfies the other party's interests.

4. Master the Details, but Be Flexible and Never Lose Sight of Your Ultimate Goal
Being better prepared than the people you are dealing with can give you a huge advantage and will make you more convincing. However, women sometimes get so caught up in the details that they lose sight of what they are trying to achieve. When you are trying to persuade someone to your point of view, it is important to focus on the details that are important to them. Edit your points. If you share too much information, you lose your audience. Always remain focused on your real goal, which is to reach an agreement that satisfies your needs.

5. Avoiding the Empathy Trap: Be Empathetic, but Not Too Empathetic
Women often let their notions of fairness and empathy stand in the way of their getting what they want. This "empathy trap" makes you not only understand what is important to the person you're negotiating with, but actually convinces you that their needs are more important than yours. The things you want are no less important than what your husband, your children, your boss or your clients want. Sometimes you can collaborate to find a solution that satisfies everyone's needs. At other times, you can convince them that what you want is fair and appropriate and in their interest as well. Use your empathy to understand the other person's needs, but never lost sight of your own.

6. Be Willing to Say No, but Don't Be Too Willing to Accept No for an Answer
"No" is the most powerful word in negotiating, but many women have difficulty saying it. They want to keep everyone happy and avoid conflict. To be a good negotiator, you must be able to say no. It all depends on how you say it. For example, you might say, "I really want to work with you on this, but I can't agree to what you are suggesting. How about..." or "I don't think that will work because... Have you considered..." Of course, it helps if you can provide a good reason why you are saying no, but sometimes you just simply do not want to agree to whatever is being asked of you. In those instances, just say no -- nicely, politely and firmly.
On the other hand, when someone tells you no, it is not necessarily the end of the discussion. Rather, it is an opportunity to find out what you must do to get them to say yes. Or you could ask someone else. Sometimes persistence is your most important negotiating tool.

7. Don't Take It Personally: It's All Right to Feel Emotions When You Negotiate, as Long as You Don't Negotiate Emotionally
Negotiating can bring out a variety of emotions ranging from anger to becoming overly excited. When you are in an emotional state of mind, it is best not to try to negotiate. Tell the other party that you have an appointment and schedule another meeting for a later date. Take a break to get a bite to eat or a cup of coffee. If you just need a few moments to regain your composure, go to the ladies room. The important thing is to give yourself enough time to be able to negotiate unemotionally when you return.
Avoid negotiating when you are too:
D istracted
I rritated
S tressed
T ired
R attled
A ngry
C onfused
T earful
E xcited
D istraught

8. Good Girls Don't, but Successful Women Do: Don't Be Afraid to Break the Rules
Women often do things either because someone has told them that's how they ought to be done, or because they have been done that way in the past. The only real limitations when you negotiate are those you impose on yourself.
If you are willing to take risks, you can sometimes get things you could not otherwise get. Good negotiators take calculated risks -- they compare the likelihood that their strategy will work with the consequences in case it doesn't, and then decide whether it makes sense to go ahead with it. In negotiating, the only rule is there are no rules unless all the parties agree on them. You can break every rule but one: Never lie when negotiating, because if you get caught you will lose all credibility.

9. Lighten Up: A Little Humor Goes a Long Way
In every negotiation, there are critical moments -- you may be having a serious disagreement or someone may be taking an unreasonable position. Tension fills the room. Then someone says something funny, and the moment passes. Women often think they won't be taken seriously if they joke around. However, laughing is less about the joke than it is about the relationship. Humor can help you connect with someone on a personal level and show that person another side of you. When used properly, it can break the tension and soften a tough position. Even if you aren't telling the joke, laughing or smiling when other people say something funny pays off -- it shows you care.

10. Accept Human Nature, Don't Fight It
One aspect of preparing your negotiating strategy is to consider the biases of your audience. This requires knowing yourself as well as knowing the people you are dealing with. For example, if you're negotiating with a man who appears to be biased, recognize that and take advantage of it. If you learn that he is uncomfortable negotiating with a woman and is more likely to agree with you to avoid a complicated situation, take advantage of that. If he is going to fight tooth and nail to avoid any perception of being out-negotiated by a woman, either figure out how to make him comfortable negotiating with you or bring in another man to negotiate for you.

Negotiating Turn-Ons for Men
1. Getting right down to business
2. Letting him go first
3. Finding out what he is interested in
4. Showing that you can get the deal done
Negotiating Turn-Offs for Men
1. Whining or crying
2. Too much small talk
3. Challenging him head on
4. Threatening

Negotiating Turn-Ons for Women
1. Taking time to find out about her
2. Treating her professionally
3. Showing respect for her point of view
Negotiating Turn-Offs for Women
1. Threatening
2. Screaming
3. Being sarcastic

Adapted from A Woman's Guide to Successful Negotiating by Lee E. Miller and Jessica Miller. Copyright copy; 2002 by Lee Miller and Jessica Miller. Used with permission.

Lee E. Miller, a speaker, trainer and executive coach at NegotiationPlus.com and creator of the interactive training CD NegotiationPlus 101: The Art Of Getting What You Want, and his daughter Jessica Miller, a commercial real estate broker with Grubb and Ellis in Washington DC, believe that knowing how to negotiate will empower you. Their book A Woman's Guide to Successful Negotiating was named one of the 50 best books for women by Atlanta Women's Monthly.